Here's a poem I've been working on for a BYU Studies contest. Any suggestions? (Christine, as my "Kingdom Hall" editor, you are morally obligated to give me feedback!) Is it too over the top? Is the crouching red thing too familiar? Is the lowercase "i"okay? I want the poem to feel like a farewell to rose-tinted glasses.
Colorblind
I.
I think you see the world like weathered newspaper.
My slate blue eyes blaze
as sun spots them
through maples and we row
on the Shenandoah River.
You watch me, admiring, but can't see my colors--then we say goodbye and
i fade away.
II.
The optomotrist smirks as I squint,
tilt the cardboard test so it catches light.
Green numbers crouch behind red
jungle and I know if I stare hard enough
I'll find them.
Did you know you were colorblind?
Maybe, when I worked so hard coloring myself back in,
my view of the world weathered too.
6 comments:
Here I am, my friend, fulfilling my moral obligation. :) It's funny that you ask my opinion about poetry. It's always been my weak point, and my Sister in Law has been teaching me about it. So...take my opinion with a huge grain of salt. First of all, knowing you so well, and knowing how you have always seen the world, this poem strikes me with a sad sense of longing and defeat. I pray with all my heart you don't feel colorblind.
I absolutely love the imagery in the first section. I can't think of any colors more vivid than maples on the Shenendoah in the fall. Compared with the slate blue...it's a beautiful picture...which makes the frustration of the second half even more poignant. Nicely done. This may sound completely stupid, but all the sounds my mouth uses to say the word "crouch" (k and ch) sound aggressive and frustrating. I'm not sure if what I'm saying makes sense, but I like it with the "squints" "smirks" and "cardboard." The word itself sounds good. I don't really have an opinion about the whole "too familiar" thing. The only question I have is (again, please take this with a grain of salt), do you need the last sentence about weathered view? You already have "i fade away" (I like the lower-case i, by the way). It seems like an explanation of the poem, just in case someone couldn't figure it out. And besides, if the view of the world is weathered, the person really isn't colored back in yet, are they? Long story short: it's great, Tara. I'd love to read more of your poetry.
Thanks, Christine! A lot to think about. I am literally colorblind, btw. So I'm playing with the idea of loss and literal colorblindness. And I think my view of the world is pretty rosy, so don't lose sleep over a sighing, repining Tara:).
I didn't know the second section sounded defeated. It's supposed to sound like the speaker has moved on, having regained "I". I'll look at ways to make section II sound more independant and released from the events of I. And I'll think about that last line. Love you and LOVE your feedback.
I love your question regarding: "if the world is weathered, the person really isn't colored back in yet." I'd say yes and I'd assume you'd say no, but I really like the question.
I watched this and thought of you...and I thought of the spirit.
http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html
Wow. Anyone who wants a treat should read the link Teagan posted. I had to put the words in the search engine and then the movie clip popped up. REALLY awesome.
Wow! You are an awesome writer. Since I have no expertise on writing I can just say I really liked it!
I enjoyed the poem and Christine's review of it. I always feel inadequate to judge other's poetry unless they have been dead for a few hundred years. But I greatly enjoy reading your poetry--truly lovely.
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