My mother left no room for doubt when she declared yesterday that I am a wimpy disciplinarian. I've complained to Doug ever since Isaac was old enough to discipline that it just doesn't work as well with him as I'd like it to. My mom says it's because I'm not naturally bossy, and it's actually not the worst thing in the world to be a lame disciplinarian. Thanks Mom.
When I compare the way my children behave to the way Peanut's children behave, I just get frustrated and exasperated. Isaac doesn't like to do what I tell him to do. Period. Happy two-month anniversary of potty training to me. We celebrated by Isaac peeing in his underwear (and consequently on the floor) and then later Isaac pooping in his crib during nap time (consequently not sleeping) and then, to make Time-out the oft-frequented hovel it has become, Isaac decided today was the day to bite his sister's finger. Holy cow.
Yesterday, my mom coached me on how to sound firm with my kid. We used Tanner, my 13-year-old brother, as the dummy (um, fill-in for Isaac). The conversation went something like this.
"Isaac, did you make pee-pees in your pants?"
Tanner makes large eyes at me, towering over me, as he asserts, "No."
I reply, "Let me check." At this point, I scare my 13-year-old brother by telling him I really do have to check if he's peed in his pants and we all die laughing...continue on...
Then I work up my stern voice, "Oh, Isaac. That was NOT a good choice. You do not make peepees in your UNDERWEAR!"
At this point, my mom points out that I sound pathetic and I encourage her to show me how it's done. She refuses several times, but I wear her down and she scolds "Isaac" for me, using the same words, but sounding very firm indeed.
So today, I tried to sound extra firm. Isaac smiled at me, made stern faces at me, and actually seemed unhappy the third time I sent him to time out.
To quote the sage dragon, Mooshu, "Well, I think my bunny slippers just ran for cover!"
So how do I discipline my son without feeling like a fake or a jerk? I have obviously not instilled the fear of God in my child, and I don't want him to fear me. I just want him to obey me and always be kind for the rest of his life. Is that really so much to ask?
The potty-training advice I've heard says never to shame children or punish them, but the rewards and praise have not led my son to go potty of his own volition.
And the issue is larger than potty training. Isaac doesn't obey me very well, and I'm so discouraged by the power struggles. I hated them as a little girl...and then a teenager.. and I hate them as a parent. Any tips? Prayer and scripture study aren't taking care of the problem and neither is my toddler book.
9 comments:
I too recently received a lesson on how to get my children to behave from my mother. (yah for moms!) She taught me that I need to have harsh punishments so that it is worth choosing to obey me. For example, if Talon doesn't eat his dinner, then he has to sit and watch while everyone else eats ice cream cones afterwords. Or if Jaxon runs outside without asking permission, then he doesn't get to play outside and instead has to watch Talon having fun outside from the window. It's an adjustment for me as my heartstrings get pulled at seeing my child so upset.
Then the other day I was talking with a wonderful mother of 5 and asked her how her kids turned out so good and obedient. She smiled to me and said, "I was a mean mother." Our conversation continued and I learned that she really took charge and the children had 2 choices, either obey mom or reap the wrath of dad (she of course was laughing but seriously that's what worked for them).
My Doug definitely is good at the stern voice and following through, and you know what, the kids listen to him better than me. Thank goodness for men. They bring something to the table that is different from our mothering lovey doveys. The kids really need both parents to be balanced.
Good luck with the disciplining and remember you don't have to get it perfect the first time...you've got until age 4 for them to learn obedience according to my mother whose got a doctoral degree in early childhood education...not that it's impossible after that age, it's just more challenging.
Isaac is so lucky to have a mother that cares enough to teach him obedience. I think you are amazing Mrs. Tara Bowen!
Ok, so sorry for the book I just wrote.
I don't think I know of an obedient 3 year old. We all need to be a little careful of how much we expect out of kids in terms of "obedience." I don't know if this is what your friend is saying Tara but I don't believe in being a "mean mother." By that i don't believe in being too hard on kids and expecting them to do things and act a certain way that is not age appropriate. It makes them resent you later when you continue to be hard on them becasue that is the pattern. I believe that kids need to know at a very young age that they are smart, capable and that you trust them. If we are always correcting them how will they learn those principals. Sometimes they need to fail. No need to offend just sharing my thoughts. I admire your desire to teach your kids obedience as well. When I do figure out the perfect way I will let you know :)
All that I know is that I am in the thick of things just like you. I heard three years old is harder than two, and sometimes two kicks my trash. :) I hate disciplining as well, but I did start very young with Maddy (I'm sure you did too, as well as all of the rest of this possibly lame "advice"). The thing that seems to work the best for me lately is when I am very consistent with her. I can't let her get away with things even if I am tired or don't want to be the bad guy. As long as I am consistent, then I see more consistent goodness from my tiny girl. But like I said, I am in the same boat as you. Some days are like that I guess. :)
Ugh, it's just a tough call. I don't feel any peace when I use my stern voice, but my child consistently does things I ask him not to do (like say, "No!" when I ask him to do something, or pee in his underwear when he knows that isn't where pee is supposed to go.) I know we should pick our battles, and while I want Isaac to be obedient to my all the time (ha ha, but I really want this, and I don't want to overwhelm him with lots of rules and directions) there are some rules I care about more than others. I want to be firm about everything, but I also want peace in our home.
I totally feel your pain Tara! I am going through the same thing with Kaleb right now and it is so frustrating. I think my biggest problem is that I am not consistent, but with both of them it is hard sometimes. It is discouraging when things are so crazy all the time and my children aren't listening, but it's a work in progress. That's what I keep telling myself anyway! One day it will get better...I just have to tell myself that to feel better. Just know you are not alone and that a lot of us are dealing with the same thing. If I find anything that works, I will let you know.
Loved seeing you guys last weekend! Sorry to hear the struggles with potty training. I know how you feel - Kate was a challenge. I had to attempt it three different times! I hope all is going well for you and Doug during his bar exam. We love you guys!
My mom always tells me to spank their butts when they misbehave and smack their faces when they talk back... She says it worked when I was little. I don't practice this advice, however.
Each child is different.
I will share something that did work for Katelin when she pooped or peed in her pants. We gave her a cold shower to wash the poop off. She hated it, but I only had to do it three times and she finally got it.
I love you Tara! Voice does matter- it sucks but I've seen it with the way people train their puggies (which are notoriously stubborn and I am sorry for bringing up dogs, but the conditioning when they are young is soooo similar, to the point of being weird). Their words say they are angry but their tone says "but I love you sooooo much." I totally did this when Bas was a puppy- and I had the bite marks to prove it.
It was really hard for me to learn too- and I was just training a critter that couldn't talk back! Having a "look kiddo I am totally serious" tone is a good thing to have handy- if you don't overuse it of course! My mom's "stop that right now or I will kill you voice" still gets my attention when she uses it. I know my experience with my nephew this summer is that if I change my voice to that tone, he starts to take note. I am sure it would be a "mean mommy" thing- but it gets their attention long enough to make them think- "oh crap! She is really mad!"
Even if you aren't.
I know you will find what is right for you. You've always been pretty amazing ;)
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