Like my friend Laura, I get antsy if I don't get to write for a little while. So this is chiefly for my benefit. Still, because it's real, it could be worthwhile for someone other than myself:).
First of all, I am blown away by how self-absorbed I have been lately. I remember a lady telling me that you just simply can't be selfish anymore when you are a mother, but, guys, I can still do it! What is consuming my thoughts more than it ought to?
1) My weight gain! After several weeks of not weighing myself (lots of vacationing and moving) I finally got on the scale and saw that I weigh what I weighed when I DELIVERED Isaac. The bad news: I'm only seven months pregnant! So here's what I think is interesting: Why am I confessing this on my blog? Do I psychologically feel like I have to tell people, and does that mean I think I'm doing something wrong?
I know it's okay to gain weight in a pregnancy , and I guess I was prideful about not gaining a ton on my first pregnancy. I ran throughout that pregnancy and just surmised that I was doing what it took not to gain too much. But I've been running during this pregnancy as well (just not much at all during my miserable first trimester) so I assumed my weight gain would be about the same this time as last time. Not so. But I know that I have been thinking about this way too much in the last few days. Does it make me not eat a second dessert? No. It just makes me feel less attractive than I would if I'd gained 10 pounds less.
2) When I don't feel attractive, it's hard for me to believe that my husband really thinks I'm hot. Again, it's a mental thing: when I feel like a babe, I buy what my spouse says.
3) I've been feeling like a delinquent momma lately because I know Isaac would have more skills if I did a better job at helping him develop them. For example, I could work on colors in a more effective way than I have been. We have one color book and Isaac doesn't care about the colors; he's just excited about the boat, the bird, and the pumpkin, be they whatever color they may be.
I love that my son loves and recognizes so many animals and has so much fun with music--I can enjoy the things he does well and delights in. I just wonder what I ought to be doing to to help him develop well. I like it when people say, "By kindergarten, they'll all have it figured out" and that eases the pressure a little. But I still feel like, because I have assumed the role of teacher for my children for the rest of my life, I ought to strengthen my teaching skills. Loving and helping Isaac is my full-time job, so shouldn't I try to be good at it? And how do I know if I'm doing a good job?
My kid hits me and he kicks me...but he also snuggles with me and giggles with me. We think we're hilarious. I know I am succeeding at loving Isaac. I know I've got some killer patience. I just want to feel like I'm on track as his mommy.
I don't want to be the pageant-mommy, doing everything perfectly, but I want to grow as a mom and take care of Isaac the way God wants me to.
7 comments:
Maybe I am crazy- but like Val was having this conversation with herself a couple of weeks ago... Stop the mommy guilt! There is no one way to parent, just like there is never just one way to teach a child.
You are doing it different- having more fun and exploring the world. Kudos for not being boring and lame ;) You sweet babies will thank you for it someday. I don't remember ever working on my colors with my mom. We read, we played outside and we would count all of the things we would see (like pick 100 dandelions and then count them).
Having children shouldn't be a spitting contest. They all develop and have different interests and skills. Try not to compare yous son with where others are developmentally. Isaac probably has different skills and interests (aka the animals and wonder at the outdoors).
Just take it in stride- and really- isn't the only think HF really caring about is that you instill a love of God in your little boy. I am sure on His mommy check off list that having your kiddo know his colors before the age of 4 is a pretty low priority :D
It will just happen- don't stress :)
Sending love from Texas-Bekah
It's scary how much you sound like me. Only I'm dealing with post-baby-body-image-issues instead of pregnancy. Everything else you said could have come right out of my mouth.
This morning I was bothering my former-cougarette friend about exercising strategies and she told me exactly what I needed to hear, "Sara, you are being way too hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can." So, those are now my words to you. Tara, don't be so dang hard on yourself like I am!! You are one of my most favorite people whether you gain 5lbs or 50lbs with your pregnancy. I bet Doug and Isaac feel the same way. Just hang in there. I'll believe my husband if you'll believe yours!
Hey,
yes we totally need to hang out! I am in Ogden, 45 min away from salt lake. Where are you? But, I am actually am getting together with another rm sister missionary on Tuesday the 26th (Jillian Hull, dont know if you left the mish before she came). She has a little boy, I think maybe about the same age as yours? We are meeting at Liberty Park @ 11am by the play ground. Bringing our own luches too. I have invited some other sisters that I knew where in the area ( I am so lame, I totally forgot that you are here now!), so perhaps some others might be there. Dont know for sure though. If you can make it, do come! :-)
I understand, so completely understand! I told myself that I wouldn't get pregnant again until I was at least to the weight (preferably less) that I was before I had Madeline. Probably not going to happen, but I'm learning to be okay with that. Mostly I have mommy guilt, which I hate because I think mommy guilt is so lame, but sometimes you just can't help yourself. Especially when the kid next door already can count to ten and say complete sentences. lol!
Tara,
I know this doesn't really apply to what you wrote. But I miss you! Today we went to the park and this evening we went on the rail trail and I thought about you and Isaac. I hope you have a marvelous BYU experience and know that your cheerful, beautiful self is missed!
Much love and adoration- amber
It's like you can read my mind sometimes... I feel the same way about teaching things to Brendan and my weight. But it's comforting to know that there are other people out there with the very same issues. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Lately I've tried using my guilt in positive ways- that is, to actually change habits or routines instead of just crying to Chris. It's been better lately. :)
Tara, I loved this post. Your honesty is so refreshing! Pregnancy weight gain is weird. I gained more with Andrew, but lost it faster with him, too. Maybe you will do the same this time.
As for the teaching your kid his colors, I agree with the "he will have all that stuff figured out" camp. I think that, esp with boys, it is good to sort of follow his lead at this stage. He is just a little toddler. Don't feel bad about focusing on what attracts his interest for now. He'll care about colors later.
I remember once, in the course of my parenting of Andrew, being reminded of the Menendez brothers (they killed their parents for $$). Yeah, he was hitting me that much. Obviously yo uhave to respond to that, but that is just what little kids (I think esp boys) do. I love it when other people admit their kid hits them, too.
Good luck to Doug in law school! My friend Carolina Nunez may be his professor!
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