Here are some of the things I'm repenting of:
Pride! When I wrote "Wings to Fly," I was so excited to finally be entering a contest, and I thought it would be so great if my essay got posted in a TOFW pamphlet and I got to sit in the front row at TOFW. I would also be able to add that to my CV, something I always want to do.
Every day, I checked my email, hoping to have a response to my essay submission. Beyond a quick email from a lady saying, "Tara, Thank you so much for sharing this with us! In which city are you planning on attending TOFW? Thank you!" I have heard exactly nothing. I finally broke down and sent her an email today asking if the virtual silence means my essay didn't win. It probably does. [Update: the lady wrote back to me saying this: "Hi Tara, We
have selected and contacted a winner in Idaho Falls. But I was actually
planning on emailing you before I even saw your email. We really love
what you wrote and are still really interested in sharing it on tofw.com. Would you be okay with that? If
you are, we’d love some pictures of you and your family and any that
would go along with your post. Please let me know if you have any
questions. Thank you!" I sent some pictures and said it would be fine to share my essay. I also thanked her for letting me know I hadn't won, and for letting me know she likes my essay.] I looked at a few essays written by other women on tofw.com, and they're chiefly about completing major biking and running races. So my essay is not a winner, and the idea isn't original. But I am glad I wrote it. I will try not to hate the woman who won:).
So I'm working through my pride--I almost expected to win. And my hurt pride--I don't like being rejected, especially because I don't submit very often. I'm not accustomed to rejection (and I would be more resilient if I submitted more of my work). So I'm feeling unoriginal and sorry for myself.
So there's pride. I'm working on it.
I'm also repenting of my tone with my children. Because Brooklyn is SSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOO naughty, I have to exercise patience constantly. For example, I had a teaching leader meeting online today, and Brooklyn took the opportunity to take off her clothes and diaper and streak down the hall away from me. I will admit that there is nothing cuter on the earth than watching my little 22-month-old waddle away from me naked--absolutely nothing compares to that. But, inevitably accompanying this cuteness is the battle to wrestle her diaper and clothes back on.
Because Brooklyn's so hard, I lashed out at Lucy a bit yesterday. Lucy is only determined and insistent. When I suggested that I would be faster making cookies alone last night, she pulled up a chair and let me know she would be my great helper. Because I never gave her a definite no, she was right there, ready to "help." I wish I had responded sweetly to all her insistent behavior, but Brooklyn was complaining loudly in the background, insistent that she too get a chair to stand on--so she could eat the mini M&M's that were intended for our amazing cookies.
In addition to battling pride and impatience, I'm preoccupied with the problems in the world. I read Elder Oaks's talk entitled "Protect the Children" from the most recent General Conference yesterday, and I just feel sick about the hurts occurring all over the world. My kids deserve more of my kindness, but at least I'm giving them food, shelter, clothes, and my best efforts--unfettered by alcoholism, drug abuse, complete poverty, or a miserable home life.
Even though my burdens are not too heavy to bear, I need the atonement to lift me out of this low couple of days. I want to make the world better.
2 comments:
Reese likes to take off her clothes also. It must be the age. I'm grateful for the warmer weather so she can go to the store in bare feet and I don't get such terrible looks, for being worst mom of the year. I have a different perspective though, kids will be kids, and though they may stub their toes running bare feet they will grow to be independent and more resilient. But it has taken 4 kids to acknowledge there are hundrends of ways to parent and be a mom and you can respect them all and not be offended when people don't agree! And more importantly don't change your style to fit the norm! But for the sake of the floor I do fight to keep the diaper : )
someone has to say it, so it better be me. you're a winner in my book! :) no but seriously, i thought it was really well written and I am just impressed that you are submitting things and putting yourself out there--that takes guts! also, i SO understand the couple of cruddy days. i feel like I was just on this ride and I want to get off. p.s. even if you didn't want to know, the new blog is mylittlecozy.blogspot it's a long crappy story. blah
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